I SWEAR, IF MY MEMORY WAS ANY WORSE, I COULD PLAN MY OWN SURPRISE PARTY...

I JUST SPRAYED MOSQUITO REPELLENT ON A MOSQUITO. NOW HE'LL NEVER HAVE ANY FRIENDS...

WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T HAVE ANY TATTOOS, I ASK THEM, "WOULD YOU PUT A BUMPER STICKER ON A FERRARI?"...

I'VE GOT A TIME MACHINE. I GET IN AND IT TAKES ME SEVEN HOURS INTO THE FUTURE. I CALL IT... BED

I DON'T UNDERSTAND BANKS. WHY DO THEY ATTACH CHAINS TO THEIR PENS? IF I AM TRUSTING YOU WITH MY MONEY, YOU SHOULD TRUST ME WITH YOUR PENS...

DO THIS: BET WITH A FEMALE FRIEND THAT SHE CAN'T USE BOTH OF HER ELBOWS TO TOUCH HER BELLY BUTTON. WATCH AND ENJOY...

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL...........
YOU CLEAN YOUR ROOM!

DID ANYONE ELSE USE TO THINK THAT THE MOON FOLLOWED THEIR CAR WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE?

SCREAMING "DIE!!!" WHEN YOUR SPRAY BUG SPRAY ON A BUG...

READING THE SAME PARAGRAPH 5 TIMES BECAUSE YOUR MIND WANDERS WHILE READING.

RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. THEY MADE IT THROUGH SCHOOL WITHOUT GOOGLE AND WIKIPEDIA...